Every Child Has The Right to be Nurtured. Help Them Immediately!
Talking to a Child Who Has Been Abused
Authors: Saraswathy Ramamoorthy with Judith A. Myers-Walls, Ph.D., CFLE
One thing that many people do not know about abused children is that they often love the person who is hurting them. This is very hard to believe but it is true. This happens because the person who is abusing them is often someone they know well and trust a lot. Children are therefore hesitant to reveal that they are being abused because they fear that they will get the person into trouble if they do so. Another reason for children not wanting to disclose abuse is that many times they have been frightened or threatened by the abuser.
The children in your care love and trust you. A child who has been abused may start talking to you about it. He may do so because he trusts you and wants to share the burden he is carrying with you. Hearing a child talking about being abused is very difficult. You may react in different ways. Your reaction is very important to the child. If you react with disgust or don’t believe what he is saying, he may stop talking to you about it. He will feel that you don’t trust him. This will prevent him from getting help. It also prevents the abuse from stopping.
Be very sensitive and listen carefully when a child is talking to you about abuse. Keep in mind that it is very difficult for the child to talk about being abused. This is especially hard for children who have been sexually abused. The child has gathered up all her courage to tell you about the abuse. How you handle the conversation will determine how you will be able to help the child.
Keep the following considerations in mind when talking to a child who is disclosing abuse:
• Help the child feel comfortable. Talking about abuse is not easy for the child. Respect the child’s privacy and talk to him in a quiet and private place. The place should be familiar to the child. This will help the child feel comfortable.
• Reassure the child that it is not her fault. Most children who are abused feel, or are told by their abusers, that they are to blame for their own abuse. It is very important to tell the child that she is not guilty and that she is not responsible for the abuse. Let them know that they have not done anything wrong.
• Don’t react with shock, anger, disgust. Your reaction to that the child tells you is very important to the child. He will be watching your reaction closely. Be calm. When you react with disgust or anger, he will not feel comfortable talking to you anymore. He may also feel scared and confused. This will prevent you from acting promptly and getting help immediately.
• Don’t force a child to talk. Give the child time. Let her talk to you at her own pace. If the child is unwilling to talk or seems uncomfortable, don’t pressurize her to do so. If the child seems uncomfortable when talking about certain specific things, don’t press her for details. You can change the topic to something that the child is more comfortable talking about.
• Don’t force a child to show injuries. If the child is willing to show you his injuries, you may allow him to do so. However, when a child is unwilling to show you his injuries, you may not insist that he do so. Also, you cannot insist that a child take off his clothing so that you can see his injuries.
• Use terms and language that the child can understand. If the child says something that you don’t understand, like a word for a body part, ask the child to explain or to point to the body part. Don’t correct or make fun of the words the child is using. When you use the same words as the child does, it helps the child feel less confused and more relaxed. The child will feel that you understand him.
• Don’t ‘interview’ the child. The purpose of your discussion with the child is to gather enough information so that you can make an informed report to the local CPS agency or to your supervisor. When you have the information you need, you must stop the discussion. Don’t try to prove that abuse has happened.
• Ask appropriate questions. The questions that you ask the child must be appropriately worded. Choose your language carefully. This ensures that you get correct information from the child. For example, if you see a bruise on a child and you suspect that it is the result of abuse, you may say to the child, “That looks painful. Do you want to tell me how you got it” or “Do you want to talk about that bruise you have”. It would be inappropriate to say, “Did you get that bruise when someone hit you?” Remember that you can do more harm by supplying a child with words and ideas. Let the child tell her own story and give you the answers.
• Don’t ask ‘why’ questions. Why questions like, “Why did he hit you?” or “Why she do that?” will only confuse a child more. Remember that children who are abused often do not understand why it is happening. These types of questions will force them to think about the reasons for the abuse. ‘Why’ questions also will not give you any helpful information.
• Don’t teach the child new terms or words. Don’t teach the child new words or give her new ideas. This is harmful. When you do this, you are biasing the child. Also, when you teach a child a new term or word, you are changing the child’s original disclosure. This is important in relation to the court and law.
• Find out what the child wants from you. A child may ask you to promise not to tell anyone. He may ask you to take him home with you. He may ask you what you are going to do. It is good to know what the child is expecting from you. This will help you in deciding what your course of action should be.
• Be honest with the child. Let the child know what you are going to do. This will build trust. Be honest about what you can do for him. Don’t promise him things that cannot be done. For example- let him know that you may have to tell someone so that he will not be hurt anymore. Then he will not be surprised or afraid when he finds out that someone knows.
• Confirm the child’s feelings. Let the child know that it is okay to feel scared, hurt, confused or angry.
• Be supportive. Let the child know that you are glad she told you about the abuse. Let her know that you believe her and that you care about her. Some children may think that you will not like them anymore because of what they told you. Assure her that you are still her friend.
• Remember: the safety of the child is most important. Be sensitive to and aware of the child’s safety. Keep in mind that a child might be further abused if he reports that he has spoken to someone about the abuse. If you feel that the child is in danger, you must contact CPS immediately.
Talking to Parents About Child Abuse
Authors: Saraswathy Ramamoorthy with Judith A. Myers-Walls, Ph.D., CFLE
As a childcare provider, your relationship with the parents is important. You do not want to ruin your good relationship with the parents. However, your responsibility to the children comes first. You may have to talk to parents about child abuse. Your reasons for talking to parents may be different. You may want to know the parents better and may want to interact with them one-on-one. You may suspect possible abuse or see possible signs of abuse in a child and may want to talk to the parents about it. You may even have to tell the parents that a child abuse report has been filed against them. Whatever the reasons may be, talking to parents about abuse is not easy. It is a very sensitive issue and must be handled carefully.
Here are some considerations to keep in mind when talking to parents about child abuse:
• Identify the appropriate person to talk to the parents. It is important that you first identify the person who should talk to the parents. Most often, it is the person that directly takes care of the child, which is you. In certain situations, it might be appropriate to have your supervisor or the director of the child care center present with you at the meeting. There might be situations where a team needs to be present at the meeting. Other people who could possibly be present at the meeting include a social worker, CPS agency representative, pediatrician etc.
• Be professional. You may know the parents well from daily interactions with them. Remember that parents will be very anxious, angry and worried in such situations. Respect their feelings. Conduct the meeting in a private place and make them as comfortable as possible.
• Be honest and direct. At the start of the meeting, clearly explain the reason for the meeting. If you or your program have taken any action or are planning to, you must explain the action to the parents clearly. Many parents will not know that childcare professionals are legally required by law to report child abuse. Explain to the parents what the law requires and allows you to do. Explain to them what the law requires and allows them to do.
• Avoid blaming or judging. Often, situations that appear to be abuse or maltreatment turn out to be something else. Also, it is not your responsibility to find the cause for the abuse. Avoid blaming anyone for the abuse or making judgments.
• Never betray the child’s confidence. It is inappropriate to say, for example, “Your child said that…” or “We were told by Mike that…” Do not betray the confidence of the child. Remember that children trust you with what they have told you.
• Do not react with anger, shock or disgust. Avoid displaying any emotions. Be neutral and calm.
• Assure the parents of confidentiality. The parents must know that all information will be kept confidential. However, you must also explain to the parents that some information might have to be shared with an appropriate third party such as the CPS agency, doctor etc.
• Assure the parents of your support. The parents need to know that you and the child care program will support then in this difficult time. Assure them that their child will still receive good care and love. Let them know that you care about the family. Parents will be more likely to open up and seek help when they know that you are willing to help them.
• Inform parents if they have been reported. If a report has been made against the parents, they have a right to know about it. They will feel let down if they are not informed.
Dealing with child abuse is not easy. You must keep in mind that there are many situations that are not clear cases of abuse. Sometimes, it is very difficult to recognize abuse or neglect. It is also very difficult to approach parents about abuse. You must be very careful and sensitive when dealing with abuse. Also, your interactions with a child and the parents will influence how you feel about them. It will affect how you want to handle a situation of abuse. You must keep personal thoughts and feelings out of this. There may be times when you cannot believe that a child’s parents, relatives or family friends can possible abuse a child. You must remember that abuse and neglect can happen in any family and with any child. People who abuse children can be of any race, gender, income level, educational level or culture. As a child care provider, your responsibility to the safety of the children in your care is most important.
